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A New Year’s Resolution: Let’s Stop Saying Dumb Things

Let's resolve to be solid communicators and to stop saying things that should not be said.

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. (Proverbs 17:27-28, ESV)

“For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man…” (James 3:2, ESV)

If I had to describe my work to someone based upon the physical things I do, I would likely say that I talk and write for a living – mostly talk. Yes, there is more, including reading, listening, watching, and other forms of learning or I would have nothing worth saying and writing about.

I have always liked a quick retort. You know, when someone in a conversation pops off a pithy remark that is clever, insightful, and wins the day over a less quick-thinking competitor. Sadly, not everything that I like is useful when working in a church environment. Sometimes, when I get that quick thought, I just need to keep my mouth shut. Will it be helpful or hurtful? Will it be received in the way I intended? Will it fan the flames or put out the fire? Is my purpose to win the discussion or to move the power of the Gospel forward? Is it to benefit me or to benefit others? All this introspection can be tiring.

But I’m not writing about such things in this month’s article. Rather, I’m suggesting that we all consider a New Year’s resolution to stop saying stupid things – and that’s something to talk about.

Two of my favorite maxims are “clarity is our friend” and “words matter.” Those of us that serve in ministries of church leadership need to master both concepts, especially in the things we say. I have not fully mastered this skill and find that I still say things that, in retrospect, were pretty stupid to say – their stupidity stemming from the fact that the words are unnecessary and easily raise questions that ought not need to be raised. Here are some examples and some things to talk about in helping one another stop saying dumb things.

  • A couple of my least favorite things we say are just filler phrases – things we say that take up space in in the conversation but contribute nothing. “To tell you the truth,” and “To be perfectly honest with you,” are dumb things for us to say. Both imply that, in other things we have said we may not always have been telling the truth. By preceding a simple statement with such phrases, we inadvertently communicate that the following words are more truthful than what we have said at other times. Why would we do this? Are we subconsciously realizing that we need to be more careful of the truthfulness of what follows than with other things we have said? Let’s not do this. Speak the truth, all the time, and this dumb thing won’t need to be said.

  • “Can I be brutally honest with you?” The answer should be an emphatic, “NO!!” There is no reason to add brutality to our speaking. Our honesty should never be brutal. It should be honest and clear but loving and as kind as possible. “Brutal” is not a fruit of the spirit. Brutal is defined as “very harsh” – let’s not be brutal and let’s stop asking permission to speak that way.

  • The words “scriptural” and “biblical” have barged into our vocabularies, book titles, podcasts, and general conversation, but neither word is well defined. I’ve heard speakers, including pastors, allege that something is “biblical” that is not actually found in our Bible. Oftentimes it seems that these words are being used to cut off debate or win an argument rather than to clarify what the scriptures actually say or command about the subject. I remember years ago when, as a young man, I sought to become a member of our church. I questioned a section in the church covenant I was supposed to comply with. It said that I would abstain from the sale or use of alcohol as a beverage. The covenant was said to be a “summary of the teachings of scripture.” Yet, my Bible taught that Jesus made good wine and, while scripture is crystal clear about the sinfulness of drunkenness, it does not prohibit the “sale or use of alcohol as a beverage.” Are there such things as this among the teachings of your church that we claim are scriptural or Biblical?

  • I have received some pushback on this next one alleging that it’s just a cultural thing, but I’m going to hold firm. Please don’t tell me that your wife is “beautiful” or “hot.” I would prefer not to think of her in those terms. I don’t think anyone else in your church is hoping to envision your wife as a hottie or to ruminate on her physical beauty. And, if we understand probabilities and the bell curve, chances that a pastor’s wife being particularly hot or beautiful when compared to others are pretty slim. I’m glad that you love your wife and that you want to express that, but could we stop publicly sexualizing our wives and start speaking of their character and value to us as our lifelong godly spouse and companion?

  • This should not be classified as a “dumb thing.” It’s just an annoying thing. I’ve grown quite tired of continuously being “challenged” to do stuff. Week after week, Christian leaders challenge me to do all sorts of stuff, and I cannot do them all. Is it wrong for me to decline your “challenge?” I know that I sometimes need to be challenged, but can we church leaders figure out what things we actually need to challenge people to do and what things we might suggest to them as an option? I’ve heard series of devotional segments, each one “challenging” me to do something. Are all these things required? Are they all required for me to be obedient to God? Are some (or many) of these things actually options one might choose if they fit him or her in a particular season of life? 

While thinking about these things, I challenged myself to be brutally honest with you and to tell you the truth. And I am thankful for the support of my beautiful, hot wife who is hotter and more beautiful than your wife. See what I mean?

When I consult with churches, I have the benefit of getting immediate feedback from attendees who can ask questions, seek clarification, or downright challenge what I say. But this doesn’t happen very often in church.

Pastors, do you have someone or a team in your church that will give you this kind of feedback about your preaching and other communications? I’ve found it helpful to have others proofread my written material (thanks, Xochitl!) to help me avoid writing things that are not helpful, clear, or well said. If you don’t currently have this, how might you create such a team?

“Clarity is our friend” and “words matter.” Let’s be careful about what we say and avoid saying dumb things and things that are not helpful. Figuring out how to do that is something to talk about. Let’s have those conversations.

Let’s remember that Proverbs often teaches that it is best to keep our mouths shut.

Wishing you a blessed, happy, fruitful, and well-spoken new year!

Let us know if we can help and how your conversation goes. Contact Bob Osborne by e-mail at bob.osborne@efca.org

This is one of a series of articles intended to facilitate and guide church leaders’ conversations about significant issues that often are not talked about among pastors, boards, and church leadership teams. Visit the EFCA West website to see prior Something to Talk About articles.

Bob Osborne

EFCA West Director of Church Health

Bob Osborne is the director of church health for EFCA West. He is passionate about equipping, encouraging and strengthening church leaders: “Our good intentions are not enough; we actually need to implement them.”

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