Singles in the Family of God
How to ensure that single people feel part of our "family-oriented church".
I began dating the woman who became my wife when I was twenty years old. We were married when I was twenty-two. I share this because I don’t feel like I have ever been a bona fide single adult. And that’s the point of this article.
The numbers of single adults in the United States have significantly increased over the years. People are waiting longer to marry. People that once married have divorced or become a widow or widower. Some never marry. And some live with an unbelieving spouse who will not accompany them to anything related to church.
The paradigms of “singleness” are foreign to me, and it is often foreign to others of us who serve in roles of church leadership as board members or pastors and ministry staff. So, I occasionally feel a pang of awkwardness when I hear of a church that describes itself as a “family church.” What, exactly does that mean? For me, my first thought is that the church’s programs are for “families” – and I’m not sure that includes people that are single or childless. I usually try to immediately dismiss this thought in favor of concluding that it is a harmless reference to all those present being part of the “family of God.” But that usually feels a bit hollow to me. I wonder how an unmarried or childless adult would hear those words.
If the church is large enough, it may start a “single adults ministry” – although churches usually try to give it a jazzier, more interesting name. The church I have attended for 48 years, and where I have served as a board member for 25 of those years, has had several renditions of “single adult ministry” but I have no recollection of ever attending one or even “dropping by” to see what was going on and who was there. Yet many single people are part of the flock that I am supposed to oversee, lead, and provide care – it's not just the married ones. How to ensure that single people feel part of our “family” and are growing spiritually and exercising their gifts is something to talk about. How often have my wife and I gone to lunch or dinner with a solo churchgoer?
There are unlimited ways to categorize humans, and the questions I raise related to singles in our churches could just as easily apply to other categories such as men, women, seniors, those with disabilities, those who speak other languages, etc. But, perhaps except for those with disabilities (including families with children who have a disability), it is my sense that the category of people that we church leaders most often fail to understand and effectively shepherd are unmarried adults.
How are you and your church doing? Here are some ideas for starting your conversation.
- How do our ministry staff and board members gain the information necessary to care for the spiritual needs of unmarried adults in our church?
- For those of us who are married, how many of the unmarried people at our church do we know, spend time with, fellowship with over food or coffee, or otherwise involve in our lives? Are we satisfied with this?
- Have we staff and/or board members inquired of single adults in our church about their spiritual journey, the efficacy of our ministries to them, or other such issues? Have we asked about the simple things such as what it’s like to come to an event as a single person looking for a place to sit among a sea of tables set for six or eight? Do I break the two-by-two seating arrangement? Do I look for another single to join me? Will the conversations be all about children and couple things” Will I be included?
- Can we confidently state that our unmarried adults are being effectively shepherded and feel a vital, contributing part of our church family?
- Are there any words or phrases we use, such as “we are a family church” that are, at best, ambiguous or, worse, communicating the wrong message to our unmarried brothers and sisters?
I love the concept of the local church being “family.” But I do wonder whether our day-to-day actions mirror that thought in a way that some feel like family, but others feel like outsiders. Ensuring that we are the family of God for all in our church is something to talk about.
If you would like to share something you have done that has allowed you to successfully shepherd the single adults in your church, please share it with me. I hope to compile a list that we can share with others.
Let us know if we can help and how your conversation goes. Contact Bob Osborne by e-mail at bob.osborne@efca.org.
This is one of a series of articles intended to facilitate and guide church leaders’ conversations about significant issues that often are not talked about among pastors, boards, and church leadership teams. Visit the EFCA West website to see prior Something to Talk About articles.
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