It’s a complaint I hear quite often during consultations with frustrated church pastors and leaders. “We attract new people to our church, but they don’t stay.” But very seldom do they follow this statement by telling me, with any certainty, why this happens. And they are frustrated by it. It’s kind of like some have an underlying belief that this situation is the fault of the guests rather than the fault of the hosts.

My wife and I have attended the same church for over 48 years. Until I started working with EFCA West 11 years ago, most every Sunday I attended our church or no church at all. Now, I am somewhere other than my home church 1 of 3 Sundays during the year and I think I have learned some things about this.

From my own experiences, I think I now know some of the reasons why guests don’t come back, and why it’s the church’s fault rather than the guests’ fault. If we want our churches to grow, if we want to see people come to saving faith in Jesus Christ, if we want to pass on a vibrant faith and a healthy church to the generations that follow us, we need to stop doing things that repel guests. And that’s something leaders should be talking about.

Here are some thoughts that I hope will turn your talking about this into action.

1.     There’s a big difference between friendly and hospitable.

I can’t tell you how many churches I have been to that say they are a friendly church, say that “friendly” is how people describe their church, have a time of greeting one another that demonstrates their friendliness, or have a “friendly church” description on their website but do not practice hospitality. You see, everyone in your church can be friendly to one another and even “friendly” with a guest without demonstrating hospitality. I have told many “friendly church” pastors and church leaders that their friendly church did not feel welcoming to me at all.

Hospitality is more than being friendly. It consists of acts that make a person feel at home. It goes beyond a smile and a person at the doorway saying “welcome” or “good morning.” Hospitality is not words – it is actions. What are the things we do in our church to make guests feel “at home?” Are those things planned and strategic or are they left up to the imagination and inspiration of individual attenders?

Imagine this: You are a first-timer at a church. As you walk in, someone smiles and may give you a sheet of paper and says, “Good morning.” Perhaps they ask whether you are new (how could they not know – only 100 people attend that church and they’ve never seen you before). You say you are new, and they say something like “glad to have you, and I hope you enjoy the service.” You look around after you get in and eventually find the restroom. You see people in the lobby drinking coffee, but don’t know where it came from and wonder whether you would be allowed to drink it in the auditorium anyway. You go inside and find a seat, sit down, and enjoy the service by yourself. Afterwards, everyone gathers around and enthusiastically engages with their friends and, of course, you have none. You leave, get into your car, and drive home.

Compare that with being greeted at the door, which was easily located from the parking lot due to welcoming signage. The greeter realizes they do not know who you are or if you are a guest. After discovering you are a guest, they introduce you to someone inside. That next person greets you, gets to know you a bit, and takes you to where the coffee and refreshments are, points out the restrooms (they are often well hidden) and the auditorium, and walks you there. Once inside and seated by yourself (or with your spouse or person accompanying you), someone in the congregation walks over, introduces themselves and asks to sit with you.

Which church would you be most likely to return to the following week? How did the first guest likely feel during his/her experience? What actions should we leaders take to become like the second church?

2.     Grandma’s house and becoming nose blind.

I am a grandpa married to a grandma. Our house suits us fine. Our tastes in furniture, colors and other décor preferences are pretty well set. But guess what? It probably looks like grandma’s house to an outsider. There’s nothing wrong with that when family comes over, but to be welcoming to guests, we need to clean things up. And we need to update things from time to time and continuously freshen up the place and the air. Remember those old Febreze commercials that introduced the concept of being nose blind? The moment I walk into a pet owner’s home, I see and smell things they no longer notice because they have gotten used to them. Many in our churches are nose blind.

A dingy, dark building is unattractive to guests. Bathrooms last updated in the 1950s might be quaint but they are not attractive to new people unless they love historic buildings and are in good repair. Is there stained, worn, or frayed carpeting from the 1980s? Is there a big basket or two in the children’s rooms filled with toys donated from two or three decades ago that haven’t been sanitized in a month or two, if ever? Younger families with small children won’t be coming back.

When was the last time you walked around your church’s facilities with an “outsider” who could give you the benefit of fresh eyes? It doesn’t have to be a 20 something – in fact, it might be beneficial to get a fresh-eye view from younger, middle aged, and senior citizen perspectives. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to navigate your facilities in a wheelchair, with a walker, or on crutches? What do we need to do to spruce things up so that it looks and feels like we are expecting to welcome company to our church home?

3.     No one is interested in a boring worship service.

I hesitated to write this but did so anyway. Every service doesn’t need to be a spectacle, but I’ve been at some that were so dull and lifeless that I could hardly endure them. Guests want to feel that they fit in and are welcome to be there, and they also want to sense that something of value for them is happening there. Is the music heartfelt and are people singing or is it boring with people standing up but not engaged? It typically doesn’t need to be great[1], but it can’t be boring and lifeless. Is the sermon something I can understand and grow from? Is it communicated well or is the speaker dull and boring, droning lifelessly on and on? Do people seem pleased – better yet excited – to be a part of the church and in the worship service?

When was the last time you invited an outsider to evaluate your worship service from the perspective of a first-time guest?

4.     Is hospitality superficial or running deep?

Simply put, do I feel as welcome the second time I come as I did the first time, or was that first-time effort by the church just a show? This is a fundamental question guests ask if they come back. Do I want to keep coming here to experience what I have experienced here? If I don’t feel as welcomed the second and third and fourth time I come as I did the first, I’m likely not coming back.

What are we doing to ensure that we continue connecting on a deeper level with guests that return to our church? What is our plan to welcome them into our family and fellowship? 

5.     Would we rather wonder or know why folk don’t return?

This is a fairly simple concept. Do we try to connect, at least occasionally, with guests who don’t return to ask them, if appropriate, to describe to us their experiences as guests and reason for not returning? Or would we rather guess than know, perhaps because when we guess we can plausibly blame our guests rather than blaming ourselves?

It all boils down to this. If we want our guests to have good experiences and come back, we need to prepare ourselves and our members to welcome them whenever they might show up.

I remember my high school and college years. We celebrated a large, extended family Christmas. Us kids were old enough to be dating, and we would often invite our dates to come to the family Christmas gathering. It was a big group and there was an exchange of gifts. And guess what? Whether the date was a short-term or long-term relationship, and whether the date was a boy or a girl, each one received at least one gift appropriate for them. Why? Because the grownups had prepared beforehand to welcome any guests. They bought and brought extra gifts just in case a guest came to the Christmas gathering. And when a guest came, they were welcomed and included in the celebration.

We should do no less in our churches. And that’s something to talk about.

Let us know if we can help and how your conversation goes. Contact Bob Osborne by e-mail at bob.osborne@efca.org. 

This is one of a series of articles intended to facilitate and guide church leaders’ conversations about significant issues that often are not talked about among pastors, boards, and church leadership teams. Visit the EFCA West website to see prior Something to Talk About articles.